


fuck it i love you

by orphan_account



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: M/M, definitely not my best, he’s also a dramatic little shit, he’s also in love, him wanting to die is not a major plot point, im proud if it though, john is too wrapped up in his thinking to notice, john wants to die, only mentioned here and there actually, roger is interested in him but, this is so shit pls, very inconsistent writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-01 19:44:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20384311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In the end, John supposed all he was, was a tad bit dramatic and maybe thinking he was in love with his bandmate was just him being a dramatic little shit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please don't skip 🥺)
> 
> Before you read the actual work, i want you all to know that I think this story is shit and very inconsistent, and I know john’s character feels different from time to time but see the thing is, even though I think it’s utter shit, I’m proud of it nevertheless. 
> 
> Also, lowkey feels like a lot of the repressed feelings I have for this girl irl might have been projected as john’s feeling for roger in there... somewhere... (actually a lot)

Mornings like these laying in bed John thought about death a lot and wanting to die. He wasn't suicidal, he wasn’t sad, quite the opposite in fact but bored,  bored as shit . For example, if death himself came knocking on his door, the moment he got out of bed. He would gladly go along but there was no way he would actually  go looking for death. 

Don’t go taking him too seriously though. He was all talk really if death  had  come knocking on his door that day, he would have run. Could you run from death? probably not but that wasn’t the point. The point was he didn’t really want to die. The proof of that was the occurrence a month ago, he had had this horrible stomach ache, which he wouldn’t stop whining about so Veronica took him to see a doctor, who was a pretty shit doctor she realized because he told John that he might have kidney problems. Now Veronica thought the doctor was being stupid and she told him  kidney problems, at his young age! ridiculous!  but John wasn’t paying any attention, he was rather busy bawling his eyes out because he had thought he was going to die, pathetic really. 

Anyhow, kidney problems  turned out to be a simple case of gastritis, so no he wasn’t going to die, of embarrassment? definitely, but he wasn’t going to  actually die which he was grateful for. 

So, in the end, John supposed all he was, was a tad bit dramatic. He really ought to get his shit together though. 

The thing was him being a dramatic little shit didn't stop him yearning for death, which was quite a lot. 

When he did get out of bed that morning it wasn’t death that came knocking on his door but Brian. For a moment, he was found hoping it had been the former. He really was not in the mood to face him right now. 

Brian was this tall, skinny, fellow with hair that very much resembled a cloud. A black cloud. A very big black cloud. John has no idea how they even managed to meet. Brian studied astronomy at Imperial College and was four years older than John .  There was no way they should have met but they had, around two weeks ago at a disco where John had a friend introduce him to Brian, who was in a band and they desperately needed a bassist, John was not interested, no, not one bit. 

Playing the bass, it was just a bit of a hobby, you know and he had no intention of joining any sorts of bands. How his friend even knew John played the bass he doesn’t know. In fact, the only person he had told since moving to London was veronica-  oh, of course , he was going to kill her. 

While John thought up ways to murder his best friend and making it look like an accident, Brian went on about the band and how much they needed a bassist, if he could play for them, blah blah blah- truly he didn’t care. 

“—so if you could come to see us play? we’re having a gig-”

“Sorry, what?” John interrupted him, now listen he was in no mood to waste time on gigs. 

“We're having a gig in two weeks and I thought you could come to see us play?”

“Oh right um” how exactly was John supposed to respond, he could tell him he was busy, that he had to study but well the thing is he didn’t really. Besides, it’s not like he needed to study. He’d never revised for an exam and he’d never gotten anything less than the highest grade. 

So John being the incredibly nice person that he was, smiled and said he would be there. 

Two weeks had gone by pretty quick and there was Brian standing at his front door, smiling at him. 

“So, are you ready?”

“...ready for?” John blinked at him, staring with a blank expression before realising the more significant matter at hand,

“I’m sorry how did you even get my address?”

half-confused and, now he wasn’t going to lie, half-scared. 

“Oh!,” Brian said, “Your friend gave it to me!”

“Did he now?” John forced a smile, the list of friends he needed to “get rid of” to put it nicely was just getting larger. 

“Yes, he did!” Brian said and John thought he was being annoyingly enthusiastic for fucking 8 am at the ass crack of dawn.

After a moment of awkward silence on his part, John questioned: “I thought you said the gig was in the evening?”

“Oh right, yes it is,” Brian confirmed, before continuing sounding a bit unsure “but the thing is Fred was wondering if you could come down and play for us?” 

“Who’s Fred- and you mean like right now cause I just got out of bed, mate-“

“Freddie, our singer I told you, remember?” 

John didn't but he kept quiet. 

”And no not  right  now after you’re ready of course- have you got a bass? silly question sorry, of course, you have,” Brain said, “I could take it down to the van and wait for you there?”

“You sure? I mean I could just bring it down myself”

“Oh really it’s no problem”

🌸🌸

Around half an hour after brian had gone down with his bass, John was ready. He did slightly feel guilty for making Brian wait that long especially in the December cold but oh well. Walking out the door of his apartment building, John saw two men leaning against a van not too far away, one of them was definitely Brian, the hair was enough of a giveaway. The other man, however, he didn’t recognise. Brian hadn't said he had come with someone, weird. John shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat and walked towards them. As he got closer the man looked up at him, Brian who was talking didn’t seem to notice John walking until he was standing right in front of them. 

“Um hi,” John said looking down, the man was still looking at him and while it should have been totally normal, it made John nervous for some reason. Maybe it was the fact that the man was extremely beautiful like really very beautiful. He had the bluest, biggest eyes John had ever seen. 

“John,” Brian said in acknowledgement before pointing towards the man who was now softly smiling at him. “This is Roger, he’s our drummer”

”Hello,” John said to Roger, sticking his hand out. Roger looked at his hand for a moment, seemingly amused before taking it. 

”Pleasure to meet you,” Roger said in a lightly mocking tone of voice, shaking John’s hand.

John was positive he was blushing, God he was embarrassed. One of the many reasons he disliked meeting new people was that he somehow managed to humiliate himself every time. He got really nervous around people in general. He didn't know why that was, but that was only when he was intimidated by them. Which probably explains why he hadn't got nervous around Brian, that man had to be the nicest, least frightening person he’d met, although yes John  was a bit irritated by him but not too much. 

Roger could probably tell he was uneasy because he let go of his hand. John who was, albeit embarrassed, too busy rating Brian on his scale of annoying, (he was around a 3, maybe even 4) hadn't noticed Roger talking. 

”I'm sorry? I wasn't listening” John told him glancing around looking for Brian who seemed to have vanished during his and Roger’s short exchange.

Roger smiled at him genuinely which made John turn red for a different reason this time. 

”I said I was just taking the piss, don't be embarrassed” 

”Who said I was” John replied quietly and before Roger could respond and make him feel more like an idiot, continued ”Where’s Brian?”

”In the van.” Roger answered.

”Oh is he driving?” John asked not knowing what else to say. 

”Yeah, do you wanna get in?”

John who was avoiding looking directly at Roger this whole time met his eyes for a brief moment before looking away again. This entire conversation felt very awkward to him and he was certain Roger felt that way too but it had done he didn't let it show. 

John merely nodded in answer.

🌸🌸

Roger, John had learnt during his short but well-spent time with Queen, was sort of a prick, a prick but a nice one all the same. Although he wasn't sure if he had a right to judge seeing as the two had hardly spent time together, mostly because John might have been avoiding him. The only conversations he allowed to have with him were the ones about the album they were making, even those were very brief ones. 

Roger made him nervous, no matter how much he wished to get to know him better, he just couldn’t talk to him. John was in the slightest bit, in love with him which was utterly ridiculous, he barely even knew the man, but it was what it was but he wasn’t exactly ready to admit it out loud just yet. 

He really had no idea why he allowed himself to get into this mess. It had been exactly a month since he'd joined the band. A month since his ”audition” when Freddie had immediately and platonically fallen in love with him and insisted on having him join them. John had mumbled he would decide after their show. 

The decision he made was the result of two things:

  1. Freddie was an incredible vocalist, and although John was mostly confused by him, the reason for the that being he wasn't sure he had ever quite met anyone like Freddie, he couldn't refuse. 
  2. He had seen them play and there were pretty alright, he thought, not terrible at least, they definitely needed a bass player, so John took pity and said:

”Okay.”

Now, John was stuck in the midst of being in love with his bandmate who definitely didn't feel the same, finishing his degree, and working to complete an album that he couldn't care less about. 

Not to mention the yearning of death that wouldn’t leave him. 

🌸🌸

“So Deaky,” Freddie was saying to him as John fiddled with his bass. “I was thinking ’John Deacon’ it’s sort of a boring name isn’t it?”

John just stared at him so Freddie continued. 

“So I was wondering if you minded if we credit you as “Deacon John” on the album?” 

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I do mind, why would I want that?”

“Well for one it makes you sound more, well mysterious,” Freddie said waving a hand in front of John causing him to jerk away. 

“Well alright, I suppose.” John had no idea what Freddie was going on about and to be honest he realised didn’t really care much. He didn’t think this album was going to go anywhere so why did it matter if they wanted to change his name.

John and Freddie had gotten quite close the past month, while at first John hadn't really understood him, he had grown used Freddie and his flamboyant self. He found himself becoming more and more dependent on Freddie in a way, he was the only good friend he’d had since Veronica and Freddie didn't seem to mind looking after him either.

Lost in his thoughts John continued strumming a few random notes on his bass, while Freddie seemed to be scribbling down song lyrics. He and Freddie were alone in the hall, the four of them had decided to meet at 3 p.m. that day and yet he and, very surprisingly, Freddie were the only ones on time. Roger and Brian were half an hour late already and still hadn't shown up. He didn't know what Brian was doing but figured Roger was late presumably because he had been spending the night with someone, John thought bitterly, he knew he was in no place to be hurt over it but he really couldn't help it. Which was so very pathetic because he hadn't given Roger any indication that he felt anything less than indifference towards him.

This, John thought, was extremely irritating. If they were going to have rehearsals with only half the band showing up he’d much rather spend his time at home or with Veronica, he hadn't ended up killing her which was unfortunate but oh well. He was so lost in his thoughts he hadn't noticed Roger finally arriving, only looking up when Freddie spoke.

”What took you so long?”

”Oh please it isn't like you're always so timely now are you?” Roger said. He did have a point Freddie was in no place to judge someone for being tardy. Where's Brian? John wanted to ask but Freddie beat him to it. 

”He’s sick, the flu I suppose” Oh. Had Roger been with him then? Probably, they  were  pretty close and John would be lying if he said he wasn't at least a bit jealous of their friendship.

Of course, if John made an effort he and Roger could be just as close but he had to be the one to do it, why would Roger? he had his own friends and his own fun. If he ever did try and get closer to John it would simply be because he pitied him for being such a lonely bastard not because he actually wanted to. 

Naturally, that was only his thinking and he knew it but he couldn’t help believing the utter shit his brain was telling him.

“Hi,” John nearly jumped, he hadn’t noticed Roger approaching him. He turned to see where Freddie had gone, finding him back at songwriting. “John?” he looked down at his hands not wanting to look at Roger in case he could tell John had been thinking about him. Sometimes John forgot his thoughts were between him only. 

”Fred and I are going to the pub after, wanna come along?” 

Well, Fuck. 

There's no way John was gonna be able to say no but there was also no way he was going to sit there all night watching Roger flirting with the girls. That was another reason, John knew they could never be. Roger loved women. He was a ladies man and all of that, part of the reason why John told himself he should just settle for being friends with him. 

Another part of the reason was that he was such a pussy that there was no way in hell he was ever telling Roger how he felt.

So, John told himself that it didn't matter if he was so in love with a man (that he barely knew) that it physically hurt. He was just happy being able to be in places that Roger was in. Not even talking to him, just admiring from a distance. Yes, he was perfectly content with that. Except, it fucking hurt and if  only Roger could look back at least once. Maybe he’d be slightly happier. 

Maybe all of this was just his hormones. Maybe he just needed to get laid. He did tend to get dramatic about matters but no, John knew that wasn't the case. He'd never in his 19 years of life ever felt this way about anyone. He would just have to accept that and the fact they would never be together, suck it up and get over it.

”Alright,” John said, not like he had a choice anyway. He could have sworn Roger's face lit in the slightest at that, but he was probably just imagining it anyway. 

”Wonderful, let's get to work now, shall we?”

Roger said touching John’s shoulder. A gesture that John was sure he was going play over in his head at the most random moments. Fuck.

🌸🌸

”John!” Veronica said looking astonished. She and John laid in his bed together, just talking about this and that. 

John groaned running his hands through his hair, he was already regretting telling her.

”You did what?” She said in the same surprised voice.

”I kissed him,” John mumbled, ”I was drunk out of my mind and I kissed him” 

He hadn't meant to, he really hadn't but his drunk state of mind had gotten the best of him. The three of them had been at the pub, drinking beers, Fred and Roger talking about things he wasn't paying attention to while John just sat there far too focused on his drink. 

He didn't know if they ignoring him intentionally or were even ignoring him at all but he really did feel like they were. 

”Wanna dance?” He heard one of them say. He didn't bother looking up. He was quite certain the question wasn't directed at him. He was thinking about the essay he had to hand in for his physics course, he hadn't even started with it. He’d do it tomorrow he supposed, he had nothing much of importance to do that day so tomorrow it was. Maybe he’d even go down to the park after, call him what you'd like but he liked feeding the ducks. It gave him a few moments of peace and quiet. The thought of it made him smile to himself. He really did like it. 

”John, darling?” The sound of his name made him look up in surprise, to see Roger and Freddie’s eyes on him. Roger seemed to be looking at him with a fond expression but again it was likely just his imagination.

”Roger was asking you something.”

”Oh,” John whispered, feeling an idiot. Clearing his he said to Roger a bit louder this time. ”What were you saying?”

”I asked if you wanted to dance” Roger said softly. John didn't understand why Roger was asking him, he could just as easily go find some girl to dance with. John didn't understand. He agreed though, he didn't know why he did the last thing wanted to do at the moment was dance. 

”Hi”

”Hey” John said back. Oh. They were dancing now. He hadn't realised, he was really out of it, wasn't he? 

”You okay?” He heard Roger say. John wasn't looking at him but he felt very close. Very close and he looked up. God, Roger was beautiful and especially so in the faint red lights of the bar. 

In that moment, John didn't know what came over him but he leaned forward and pressed his lips onto Roger’s own and he kissed him. He kissed him like he fucking meant it and meant it, he did. He was caught up in the moment and the feeling, he hadn't noticed Roger wasn't kissing back until he did before he pulled away more shocked at himself than anything. Not even sparing Roger a glance, he ran. 

”Oh,” He heard Veronica, he wasn't looking at her. His eyes were closed, even thinking about last night made him want to cry and he’d rather not. Although he was sure Veronica had the decency to not make fun him for being a baby. Of course, he knew she meant no harm with her jokes, she was just messing with him.

He had come straight home last night and lay in bed till noon until he finally got himself to get up and phone Veronica. They lay there together, with her mostly talking, until John had blurted out that he had kissed Roger. 

“And you just left?” 

“Yeah”

”Aww, you're so stupid, come here” Veronica wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in closer. He was glad to have someone at least 

”You know that's not very comforting,” John told her, he didn't mean it though and she knew it. They just lay in silence for a while. Roger would hate him now, any chances of them being friends were now ruined and it was all his fault. They had practice tomorrow and wasn't sure he wanted to go maybe he’d just call in sick. Brian wouldn't be there either so he wasn't what sure Roger and Freddie would do but frankly, he did care. Roger hated him. He'd probably want him out if the band anyway. He could lie, he could tell him it was just a drunk mistake, but no one’s ever kissed, anyone like that drunk. 

He could deal with all of this later right now he wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep and just forget about everything. 

”Hey, I know, you know you're a little stupid sometimes but I'm sure it'll all turn out just fine”

He heard Veronica tell him quietly, although he would never admit it to her he was so grateful for her being there he could have cried. ”And tell that brain of yours to shut the fuck up, they're not going to kick you out of the band and you know it”

”How did you know-” John let out looking up at her. She raised an eyebrow at him ready to answer but he stopped her.

”You know what, never mind”

And then after a moment, he fell asleep. John had no idea how was going to face Roger but that was something him in a few hours had to worry about. Him now just wanted to fucking sleep, thank you very much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was gonna sit and edit this and what not but I've been writing it all day and I'm just SICK of it,,,,,


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it worth mentioning that i’ve no plot in mind whatsoever, i’m just going winging it

It had been a week since he had been avoiding Roger. He knew that Roger knew he was too. John, to be honest, didn't know if he should be grateful that Roger was leaving him alone or be disappointed he hadn't even made an indication that he would want to talk to John. So he was right, John supposed, Roger did hate him but he was glad he wasn't making him leave the band. John as much as he hated to admit it had grown quite used to the three of them- well two of them at least. 

Right now, he was in Freddie and Roger’s shared flat. Roger wasn't there of course if he had been John wouldn't have stepped inside. He was being incredibly dramatic. Freddie had thought so too when John couldn't handle it anymore and spilled everything out to him. 

”Oh dear, I'm sure he doesn't hate you have tried talking to him?” 

”No,” John told him, ”Absolutely not, I've given up honestly and I'm not going to embarrass myself even further”

And since then he and Freddie had gotten even closer. He was like a big brother to John, one he’d never had. He liked the feeling of it. 

At the moment the two of them were sitting on the couch playing scrabble. Freddie was insisting Kerfuffle was a word while John told him that no it wasn't. (Yes, it was.) 

”Freddie, I really don't think-” 

The two of went back and forth so caught up in their argument, they hadn't heard the front door opening or even Roger entering until he was standing right there in the living room looking at the two of them with an unreadable expression.

”Well hello there, blondie, where have you been?” Freddie asked Roger, John just stared at him he seemed to do that a lot the staring and for his own sake, he hoped Roger hadn't noticed. 

Roger instead of answering him turned to look at John who immediately looked away.  Please don't say anything, please don't say anything, please don’t-

”Hey, John, can we talk?” His voice was as soft as ever and careful as if he was uncertain. 

Shit. He didn't know what to say. What would he even say? I'm sorry I barely know you and you barely know me but I'm in love with you? He couldn't exactly. John swallowed thickly and nodded looking down.

”Alone?” John looked up, he guessed the question had been directed at Freddie and he was right. Freddie who was pretending to be very interested in his Scrabble tiles looked at Roger then at John as if asking John if he wanted him to go. John didn't, but he nodded anyway. Once he heard the door of Freddie’s room closing, Roger came and sat next to him. John shut his eyes, he was going to cry, fuck he was going to cry. He really didn't want to. Roger remained silent for a while. 

”Hey” John heard Roger say, his voice barely a whisper as if it was just for John to hear but it wasn't like anyone else could have heard him anyway. 

John didn't reply, he just opened his eyes to look at Roger, a few accidental tears slipping out in the process. 

”Why are you crying?” Roger asked him concerned and ever so carefully. John didn't understand why he was being nice to him. 

”You hate me, don't you?” John asked him resulting in Roger looking stunned but continued before he could answer. ”You hate me, and you probably want me out of the band for being such a-”

”Whatever you were going to say, stop it” Roger interrupted him, steadily. ”I don't hate you”

John looked at him, John was sure the sight of him was pathetic yet Roger seemed strangely fond. Sometimes he was proud of himself for having a great imagination but moments like these he cursed it. Like hell Roger was fond of him-

”I actually quite like you,” Roger told him, and as he reached his hand out to brush the tears off of John's face, he couldn't think. John couldn't think and he couldn't breathe. 

”You do?” His voice cracked. Fucking hell, could he talk normally for once. 

”I do, I thought you would have noticed, I mean all the times I've tried talking with you? I asked you to dance with me?” He hated it but maybe Veronica was right, he really was a fucking idiot huh? He didn't know what to say to Roger he’d never been in a situation rather like this before. So what he did next was what any top-class idiot exactly like himself would do. He leaned in with no warning whatsoever and kissed Roger. He didn't know to find his words but maybe this would convey his feelings well enough. 

”I'm gonna have to get used to you doing that,” Roger said pulling away, he looked at John for a moment, he didn't know why or what was so worth looking at him for, but before he could question it, Roger pulled him into another kiss. The feeling of kissing Roger was the most beautiful thing he'd felt, it made him shiver and yet feel warm at the same time. His heart was beating so bloody loud and he felt all weird on the inside- in the best way.

”I suppose you will” John was smiling his hugest smile. He didn't care if he looked silly, he couldn't help himself. He was so fucking happy. He was so happy, he felt high off it. 

Giggling in a very dopey manner he blurted out: ”I love you” 

Roger for a moment looked incredibly shocked but he hid it quickly enough. John knew that even though Roger liked him or was fond of him he didn't yet  love him. And he was fine with that. So he pulled him into a hug, and Roger who had reasonably tensed up, relaxed against him. 

”It’s okay,” John whispered softly pressing a kiss to his shoulder. He liked the fact that he could do that whenever he pleased now and he was going to make the best of it. Roger pulled away slightly to look at him as if to tell him he knew. John gave him a smile Roger giving one in return.

”Aww, look at you two!”

The two of them immediately pulled away from each other to glare at a certain someone standing in the doorway of the living room.

”Freddie, what the hell!” John exclaimed at the same time, Roger said ”Bloody hell mate, how long have you been standing there?” 

”About an hour!” he said dramatically. If there was someone who could give John’s dramatics a run for their money it was Freddie, but then again the two weren't even comparable.

”We weren't even talking for an hour Fred,” Roger said.

”Weren’t you? Felt like fucking forever dear”

Freddie looked at the two of them for a moment, a strange glint in his eyes. 

”So,” A teasing tone to his voice.

Roger groaned, rolling his eyes. ”Fuck off, mate”

Freddie burst out laughing. John thought they some sort of joke going on, unlike his usual self he decided not to think too much of it and just smiled at the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i-  
literal rubbish

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think? 🌸


End file.
